I have enough of myself, blogging about him, him, him and at the end of the day its still the him I've been thinking.

Weak. Im fucking weak, I hate myself for being a weakling.

Well, Xmas is coming, seriously I dont have any idea for it.
Tired. tired of this life already!

Eventually, Life got alot better with him around. :)

These few days, I'm feeling alot better, happier.
He cheered me up in many ways. and for no reasons, I start to like him even more.

I fell for his smile, the way he is.

and I'm sure there's alot of people that is happy for me.

Anyway, today is my bitchy irritating baby sister big day!
Well, its her lovely 19! and I cant wait to bring her out for a nice sumptous dinner, later on.

and I get those photos uploaded as soon as possible! <3

All these while, I'm just literally waiting for the answer out from his mouth.
and yes, yesterday was a gun shot for me.
Finally he told me that he have no feelings for me, although he's not putting it straight enough. But he just fits his intention nicely into a short sentence.

Well, guess what, cries and bleed always occurs to me when it comes to love.
It's not physically hurt though.

I'm not insane to that extend.

Life is short, right? Life is too much precious to just end it.
We are born this way to enjoy the laugh and pain.

I'm not feeling so bad though. I'm not that sad too.
I have alot of others with me. Living with me.

Without him, is just losing a pen, I can always replace him with a better one.

I miss the way things used to be. Those late night texts, incessant jokes and laughs, and good morning texts from you. I miss those hugs that made me feel that everything's alright.

On the first page, of our story.

God have been lenient to me.

I always see "him" inside my dreams, I'm not sure whether is it doing good for me, but it feels so real. and I wish to be inside those dreams forever and never get up. Because that "him" inside my dream, love me still.

I thought that dreams will never come true. Yet god grant me my wish, for being with him for the last time. Even it was just a day, a couple of hours, I felt the chemistry, and us belonging to each other so strong.

I can ignored those words he said to me that day, ignored those sentences that makes me cried. I can ignored the pain that keep me unable to get out of myself. I can ignored everything all.

I looked at him into his eyes, all I can see is a soul that used to keep me secure, keep me warm and unharm from anything.

I aint sure whether is it god that want me to see his true colour, move on from him.
or is it god that showing sympathy on me?


It's been a few days, we kept ourself away from each other. He respect my decision of not seeing him anymore. Maybe perhap, one day, if fate is soft hearted enough for us to meet again.

I didnt blame him for the hurt he gave to me on that day, I've never blame him for anything. At that moment of time, I just wish to see him, I just wish to have the last feel for him, just wish to see that "him" I used to have. as he's onced an important man in my life.

It's a pity that he feels nothing for me anymore.

I can pretend as nothing happened. I can pretend as I've never know you.
But all I can do, is just pretend.

The moment when I heard you saying all those words, no one knows how terribly I felt.
I know that you doesnt want me to get any deeper, and that is why all these while, I try to stay cool in front of you. But no matter how much I tried to hide, the truth written all over my heart and face.

People who know me, pretty well also know what is up on my mind.
Truthfully enough, things got worst.

Especially.

It's been raining for the whole day, well, it's freezing me so badly.
But a part of me love the cooly weather. It's winter season right now, and a few weeks more, Christmas is coming.

How lonely will this christmas be?
How I wish there will be a Santa Claus appear for me this year.

and stuff me a present inside my colourful sock.

Jingle bell, Jingle bell, Jingle all the way.....

I miss, how I celebrated my Christmas last year, with him.

Anyway, after hearing what dowager said to me, I think I seriously need to get myself out of his life, in order for me to get him out of mine too.
So that i can focus and get my life back to normal.